I Need to Start Reading For Fun Again

Thursday, May 30, 2019
I don't remember the last time I read a book, and I buy books all the time. One of my favorite places in the world is Barnes & Noble. I could wander through those aisles for hours, pulling different books off of shelves and not leave with a single one and still be satisfied with how I spent my time, so it's pretty much a bonus when I do buy one.

I used to read all the time. I read all of the Harry Potter books, The Girls by Emma Cline, the Percy Jackson books (which deserved better movies), The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, The Chronicles of Narnia. I even enjoyed a good number of the books that were assigned in grade school like Bridge to Terabithia (for a few different classes), Frankenstein, and Oryx and Crake.

At some point I stopped reading for pleasure. I could blame it on college, but I had time at night and on the weekends to read. I didn't really read during summer breaks either, when I definitely had a bit more free time when I wasn't working.

I really did enjoy reading for fun. There were times I could read an entire book in a day or two, or read well into the night without realizing and it's three in the morning once I've finished the last page. There are plenty of books on my shelf that are definitely worth reading that I haven't picked up yet. Gillian Flynn's Sharp Objects has been sitting on my shelf for ages, and I didn't watch the HBO miniseries so it's not spoiled for me. Which means once I finish the book I can watch the show, and that will cross two things off of lists of things I need to read/watch.

There are no more assigned readings in my life, so any time I really read from now on with just be for the hell of it. So that's my goal for this summer. Start reading for fun again. And I have a full shelf of worlds just waiting for me to read.

Earworm: "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears

Tuesday, May 21, 2019
Whenever someone asks me what my favorite song of all time is, it's difficult. Even crafting a top five is hard, and it changes all the time as new music is released and the classics are re-evaluated. This song has been a mainstay in my top five for the last few years.

To me it's about people ruling their own world in the limited time they have, with that feeling buoyed by the synth pop. It just feels hopeful, and like you could rule the world someday.

It's not an aggressive song either. A lot of pop songs rely heavily on bass. And that bass gets really repetitive really fast. This song just grooves along.

Also, that synth pop means it can also be applied ironically in movies and tv, which is a trick I love when it's used effectively.

Here's To The Next Show We Watch Together

Sunday, May 19, 2019
Today is the day the final episode of Game of Thrones airs. Whatever you think of this final season, love or hate it, (and I do think the outrage to it is severely out of proportion given the news out of Georgia and Alabama over the last couple of weeks), it's a monumental occasion and no matter how mad people are about the turn of events in the story, no doubt everybody will be watching tonight.

But it's been said that, thanks to the myriad of shows currently airing and streaming changing how and when people watch television, that this is the last show we all watch at the same time. It's the last show on television that airs weekly that will be appointment television, that everyone sits down right when it airs.

I hope that's not the case. There are amazing shows airing on actual television that are worthy of being appointment, water cooler television. This is the time where I try to get others to watch shows that I think deserve this kind of attention and fervor: The Good Place, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Barry, Silicon Valley, Killing Eve, Documentary Now. I've obviously been in a comedy phase.

But just glancing at the upcoming shows for the next television season, there are some contenders for that next big show. His Dark Materials seems the most obvious. Based on a popular fantasy book series, stacked cast, and it's on HBO. Even though I've never read the books it is based on, I'll probably tune in for it.

I have hope that in this age of streaming, there will be a show that breaks out like Game of Thrones did, where people watch right from the beginning, and they spread that show through word of mouth and soon everybody has to see it.

So, here's to Game of Thrones and the time we've spent together, and here's to the next show and when we meet again.


Tuesday, May 14, 2019
My anxiety functions weirdly. I don't always have big panic attacks. I do have them sometimes, and they're terrible, but those big ones are not a regular occurrence.

Lately I've just become numb.

I graduate from college on May 23. I don't have a job lined up. I don't have an apartment, and I don't want to move back home to Florida.

I know these are things that I have to do in order to be a fully functioning adult, but I can't bring myself to go to career services and ask for help finding work.

Massive lifestyle changes frighten me. When I first started applying to college senior year of high school, it was like I was sleepwalking through that entire process. The first school I went to was the University of Central Florida, and I hated it. I never got involved in campus life, didn't make friends, gained the freshman fifteen, and my depression got worse.

Then I transferred to Pace University, and I thought I was getting better. I was still having trouble making real friends, but I was happier. And then plans for the future started needing to be made, and I realized I don't know what I want to do, in any aspect of my life, and the depression went right back to how it was before.

I've tried therapy three separate times, and it's never really helps. I know that 'it gets better' bullshit and what I need to do, both to get a job and to make friends. I just can't. Every time I go to make some sort of move I get scared, and that fear paralyzes me.

I think the reason for this is because I never had a plan for my life. I never thought I would make it out of middle school, that's how long I've been living with this. I never thought I would have to make these decisions, not even close. Now I have to, and the paralysis is worse than ever.

I just don't want to be a failure. I don't want to feel like I've wasted my parents money. But I do. I graduate in a week, and I have nothing to show for it besides that piece of paper. No job, no friends, no home.

Those thoughts are back and I'm scared.
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