Paralyzed

Tuesday, May 14, 2019
My anxiety functions weirdly. I don't always have big panic attacks. I do have them sometimes, and they're terrible, but those big ones are not a regular occurrence.

Lately I've just become numb.

I graduate from college on May 23. I don't have a job lined up. I don't have an apartment, and I don't want to move back home to Florida.

I know these are things that I have to do in order to be a fully functioning adult, but I can't bring myself to go to career services and ask for help finding work.

Massive lifestyle changes frighten me. When I first started applying to college senior year of high school, it was like I was sleepwalking through that entire process. The first school I went to was the University of Central Florida, and I hated it. I never got involved in campus life, didn't make friends, gained the freshman fifteen, and my depression got worse.

Then I transferred to Pace University, and I thought I was getting better. I was still having trouble making real friends, but I was happier. And then plans for the future started needing to be made, and I realized I don't know what I want to do, in any aspect of my life, and the depression went right back to how it was before.

I've tried therapy three separate times, and it's never really helps. I know that 'it gets better' bullshit and what I need to do, both to get a job and to make friends. I just can't. Every time I go to make some sort of move I get scared, and that fear paralyzes me.

I think the reason for this is because I never had a plan for my life. I never thought I would make it out of middle school, that's how long I've been living with this. I never thought I would have to make these decisions, not even close. Now I have to, and the paralysis is worse than ever.

I just don't want to be a failure. I don't want to feel like I've wasted my parents money. But I do. I graduate in a week, and I have nothing to show for it besides that piece of paper. No job, no friends, no home.

Those thoughts are back and I'm scared.

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